Destroying Fanfiction
by EightCloseBracket
Summary: Come help expose some of the most overused plots in Harry Potter Fanfiction history. We'll destroy them. One cliché at a time.
1. FemHarry

**A collection of ficlets exposing the most used plots in HP FanFiction history :) First up, Harry as a girl :O This is a humour fic, so everything should be taken light-heartedly. Note: I am _not_ hating on these concepts. Just poking fun. Hey, if it weren't for these ideas, there would be no fanfiction. Destroyed. Mhm.**

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><p><strong>FemHarry<strong>

Harry awoke to find his surroundings a blur. Was he not wearing his glasses? No, he was. Then why was everything blurry? Why was —

He took his glasses off. Everything settled in place. That was strange. He had needed his glasses for the most part of his entire life. Why was his vision suddenly corrected?

Harry also felt some soreness in his chest region. He glanced down, wondering what was the source of the discomfort. To his utter horror, he found that he had formed a pair of solid D-sized breasts. He shrieked, and was again astounded to hear a girl's sweet, melodious voice ringing around his ears.

"Hello?" Harry called out nervously, speaking to no one in particular, but rather to confirm what he was dreading. The teen girl's voice again came out of his larynx.

What was happening? Harry darted towards a nearby mirror and scrutinised himself. There, staring back at him, as a beautiful, willowy blonde. Her hair was silky and shiny; her skin glowing and flawless; her limbs slender and fair. She was the perfect girl.

Harry — no, that couldn't be his name. He was a girl now. _She_ was a girl now. What name should she have? Harriet? Jamie? Rose? Lily? Druidess Padraigin? Whatever the case, she might struggle with her new persona, but ultimately decide that this was what she was meant to be. A woman.

She would attend Hogwarts and receive the affection of fellow students and teachers alike. She would be perfect. She would be the love interest to a motley bunch of Slytherins, ranging from one dreadfully OOC character to another. It might be Draco Malfoy, who would be initially hostile but ultimately realise his feelings for the beautiful girl. He would valiantly risk everything for her and help her overcome whatever obstacles stood in her way, be it vanquishing Voldemort or choosing a good outfit for the many Hogwarts balls that would suddenly be held.

At Hogwarts, the female Harry would find herself strangely attached to her Potions teacher, Severus Snape. She would then go on to understand that he was her birth father, who gave her up at birth for another valiant reason. She would find out that he had loved her mother dearly, and was devastated by her death. As a result, he would be fiercely protective of the girl and let nothing harm her.

She could go through numerous hardships as a girl, be it going through her monthly menstrual cycles or even giving birth to a child as a result of her undying and romantic love with her partner.

Or, on the contrary, she could adapt to her new lifestyle with ease. Her transition would not be difficult at all. In fact, she would discover that she was destined to be an Amazon druidess, bent on bringing justice to all with her godly ways. Her sweat would cure people. Her acts of fornication would save the world.

Or, she could just be a guy. She could just be a male Harry Potter. But, hey. What fun would that be?

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><p><strong>Come on, you've all read a GirlHarry fic before. More <strong>**cliché plots to come. If you review, I'll give you some of Hagrid's rock cakes? :D**

**~ Eight **


	2. Fred and George Fics

**Wow :O Such nice response already. Y'all are awesome, y'hear? This week, we'll be looking at the twins. A collection of some often-used plots concerning these crazily loveable brothers. _Not_ hating on Fred/George slash. _Not_ hating on Fred/Hermione. _Not_ hating on George/Hermione. Not hating on anything. Without these fics, there would be no this fic. Thank you.**

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><p><strong>Fred and George Fics<strong>

George was stammering as Fred looked into his eyes. Underneath the shimmering moonlight, they Fred could only look at George's terrified expression. He needed to calm him down. He needed to soothe him. He put a finger to his brother's lips.

"Shh…"

They locked eyes. Fred pushed a lock of stray hair behind his twin brother's ears. He whispered. "I want you inside of —"

No, that wasn't strange at all. Considering that they had been completely heterosexual all their lives, being attracted to one's twin brother wasn't at all an unusual phenomenon. After all, as they say: You can't spell 'twincest' without 'win'. Yeah, right. You can't spell it without an '**e**' and a '**w**' either. Know what that spells?

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><p>George was devastated. His twin brother. Dead. No, he wouldn't accept it. It couldn't be. After all they've been through… How could he just — leave him?<p>

He would spend the rest of his days mourning over his loss. He would never smile. He would begin to go mad. He would have hallucinations. He would no longer be the humorous prankster he used to be. He would be solemn, unable to speak to anyone. He would never be able to let the past go. He would never accept that Fred might've wanted him to carry on living happily. He would never think of the possibility that Fred might have hoped that his death wouldn't bring any negative changes. George would be Emo George. Most direly, he would be a pain to fanfiction readers everywhere.

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><p>Fred and Hermione. George and Hermione. About a hundred pages of fanfiction. This reader is befuddled. Her brain's all fuzzy. And it's not because of the Wrackspurts. Hermione probably doesn't believe in them, anyway. Can anyone explain?<p>

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><p>You solemnly swear that Fred never died? You solemnly swear that George wears blue boxers?<p>

Come on, you know that that's the most ridiculous thing ever.

Pink Pygmy Puff boxers are the way to go.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading! (: Rock cakes and pumpkin juice for the reviewers: Popcorn Life, TheGingerFiend, Peace 98 and LilyRosetheDreamer. And thank you to others for the alerts and faves! <strong>

**~ Eight (:**


	3. Dumbledore Romance

**Here we go. The next chapter of this parody fic's weekly instalment. For the love of Dumbledore, it's just a fun piece of work, so everything should be taken with a pinch of salt :D I tried to think up some clever Harry Potter replacement for salt, but failed. Huh.**

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><p><strong>Dumbledore Romance<strong>

Albus Dumbledore? Romance? Those two don't go together. Or do they? Whatever the case, writers of these sort of fics tend to make these characters a bit out of character. A tiny bit.

The relationship between Gellert Grindelwald and Albus Dumbledore has become the homosexual pairing as close to canon as it could get. As a result, it has gained a worthy number of shippers as well.

For Fanfiction, if the stories relating to this particular relationship were at all canon, they would almost always follow a particular timeline. Albus would be amazed and have a great admiration towards his newfound friend. Together, they would find happiness in each other's genius and intellect. Gellert's schemes to enslave Muggles would captivate Albus, and together they would work towards obtaining the Deathly Hallows. (Insert slashiness here). Alas, they would fall out in the end, with a tremendous battle, and Ariana Dumbledore would be dead. Albus would be hurt. Gellert would flee. Aberforth would continue loving goats. That weirdo.

This reader can only imagine the dialogue the two teenage friends might've had if their relationship was at all sexual.

"Oh Gellert, you can _Crucio_ me any day."

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><p>Fics about Dumbledore's forbidden lusts for Hogwarts students are also common, albeit rather disturbing. Dumbledore and Harry? A perfect scenario would be right after the latter was struck by Voldemort's killing curse and was transported to Limbo, or King's Cross.<p>

"Harry. You wonderful boy. You brave, brave man. Let us walk — oh. Wait. Weren't you naked when you arrived?"

"Er — yes, sir. But I then wished that I was clothed."

"Damn."

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><p>Heterosexual Dumbledore is no better. Forgive this reader, but she believes that any dating concerning Dumbledore would be more than a tiny bit strange. What about the ship ADMM? Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall? Imagine a conversation they might have.<p>

"Minerva…"

"I love you, Albus."

"Listen, Minerva…"

"What's the matter?"

"Minerva… I'm gay"

"Yes, Albus. I am happy too, but now is hardly the time to be telling one another about —"

"No, Minerva. I'm gay. Gay. I like men."

"Y-You're _what_?"

"Gay."

"WHAT?"

"Yes, it's true."

"_Merlin's balls_."

"Ooh, really? Where?"

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><p><strong>There you have it :D Hope this brightens up your Monday :D Or whatever day you're reading this.<br>TooLazyToLogin, toxicjade, NinjaBananaPeel, OctoberSunlight and VoldyGoneMoldy have reviewed, so they are now officially awesome. Everyone who added to alerts and faves are thanked as well :)**

**~ Eighters :D**


	4. Dramione

**Dear Merlin. Eight reviews for Chapter 3! :') You guys can tell that eight's my number, right? :P I love you. Leave me a plot to humour and I just might do it!  
>Disclaimers are unnecessary. Yada, yada. Not hating. Poking humour. Blah. Here we go. <strong>

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><p><strong>Dramione<strong>

Oh, how he loved her. The girl sitting at the Gryffindor table. The minute he set her eyes upon her, he knew she was the one for him. Contrary to popular belief, her hair was luxuriant and her teeth were pearly white and perfectly proportioned. She was extremely busty, although her curves hadn't ever been mentioned before. Her couldn't care less if she was Muggle-born, but he had to defend his persona. He was cool. He had a whole group of Slytherins obeying his every order to prove his coolness. Dating a Mudblood certainly wasn't cool. Besides, she hated him.

She loved him too. The bad boy from Slytherin. The perfect image. He was mysterious and tall. Contrary to popular belief, he wasn't cowardly. He didn't hide behind a pair of cronies. He was suave and sensitive. Her heart never failed to skip a beat when they made eye contact. But how could she tell him? He always had a group of Slytherins around. And what would Harry and Ron think? They were mortal enemies. To top it all off, she was sure she had feelings for Ron. Oh, how her life was falling apart. She needed someone to confide in. What about the Slytherin boy? No, she couldn't tell him anything. Besides, he hated her.

Hermione didn't care if Draco called her a Mudblood. How could she; he was _talking_ to her! His voice was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. She loved Potions. Sure, Snape would be horrible to her. Not giving her points for answering questions correctly? That's absurd. But being in the same confined space as Draco Malfoy. That was more than consolation.

Draco just wanted to get Hermione to show some feelings. She was always stoic around him. By prompting her, insulting her, she would show some emotion. He thrived on that. Especially that time when she punched him. Oh Merlin, that was heaven. Her hand on his face was something he would never even dream of. Sure, he had to go to the Hospital Wing later, but it was worth it. She was so close to him when she delivered her blow. Oh, what would he give to make her punch him again.

Ultimately, Harry would abandon Hermione and Ron would break her heart. Desperate, she would then seek sanctuary in the blonde hottie who was called Draco Lucius Malfoy. He would put her life back together again. He was the missing puzzle piece she'd being trying to find. They would discover each other's true feelings for one another, and they would begin their forbidden love. Hermione would change Draco. He would change for her. He would change for his destined partner.

Nobody would accept their true love, however. Horrified reactions from all parties would fly loose. Crestfallen, our young star-crossed lovers would elope and —

This reader can't go on. Any thoughts on this particular ship that had emerged so long ago and has since acquired such a devoted following? Can hate turn into love?

And Snape and Hermione. Really? Leave the poor girl alone. Is there no one else whom your OOC characters can be paired with? _Snape and Hermione? _But let's not get ahead of ourselves. That's another story.

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><p><strong>This chapter is brought to you by LuvvinYou, who asked for this little parody here. I found it harder than previous chapters, and the prospect of facing angry Dramione shippers was daunting, but I did it anyway. What do you think?<br>Other reviewers include Misguidedfriends beautifulmess, Drunk Acorn Bear, abrainiac, Slyther-Claw-Proud, OctoberSunlight, toxicjade and NinjaBananaPeel. Lovelovelove.  
>And did anyone catch a little AVPM reference somewhere up there? Let me know! <strong>

**~ Eight xx**


	5. The Characters Read the Books

**Welcome back to this collection of short humour fics :) I will post weekly, so don't worry. I know it's extremely frustrating when someone doesn't update their piece of fanfiction. I have done it, and I hate it too. I know it's super easy to blame school and workloads and stuff, but everyone has exams and daily activities. So yeah. I will be posting once a week. Even if I have finals or something, I'll take five minutes out of my schedule to post another Destroying Fanfiction. You've got my promise. It's so that if I happen to miss a week, you'll know that I really, really couldn't post.**

**OK, now onto the fic!**

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><p><strong>The Characters Read the Books<strong>

Gathered in a weird room, was an incongruously varied bunch. Ron and Hermione were sitting on a couch; along with them were Ginny, Neville, Luna and Draco. Harry burst into the door, in his hand, a novel.

"Alright, everyone! It's the moment you've all been waiting for!"

"Someone will finally explain how and why all of us are sitting in a room together?" Rose asked.

She was sitting on a bed with her brother Hugo and her gazillion cousins: James, Albus, Lily, Molly, Lucy, Fred, Roxanne, Victorie, Dominique and Louis. Also there were Ted, Lorcan and Lysander, and Scorpius. It was a wonder how everyone even got together, let alone how powerful the bed must've been to be able to withstand such weight.

"No, silly. We're going to read the Harry Potter books," smiled Hermione.

"Ah yes. Now it all makes sense. We're going to be read the story of Uncle Harry. Even though we haven't the slightest inclination of who could have possibly bothered to document his life story," Dominique said, turning to Harry. "The thought of being stalked by someone who has been recording every single event in your life isn't at all creepy or suspicious, is it? Maybe they are still here watching us. How did these books come to your possession, anyway? Magically?"

"Yes. Or, better yet, we could say that these books were from the future, sent to us. Our great quest is, therefore, to read these books in order to save the future," beamed Harry.

Albus looked confused. "But these books are about you when you were in your teens. How could it possibly be from the future?"

"Oh, be quiet. Let's read. This is the first book," said Ginny happily.

"Wait," Molly piped up. "Is it called 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone' or 'Harry Potter and the _Sorcerer's_ Stone?"

"Same thing. They're just different publications," Neville explained.

Scorpius looked sceptical, obviously unconvinced. "How, in Merlin's name, could 'philosopher' possibly be translated to 'sorcerer'? We haven't even heard the term 'sorcerer' ever being mentioned in the Wizarding World."

"I'll Avada Kedavra you if you don't shut up," said Ron cheerily.

**Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived**

**Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.**

James interrupted, "I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that these two end up being involved in something strange and mysterious?"

"Who the hell are these Durlees or whatever?" demanded Lucy.

"I'm bored…" whined Hugo.

"Why are we speaking in turn?" asked Roxanne.

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><p>An infinite amount of time passing later…<p>

**'Oh, I will,' said Harry, and they were surprised at the grin that was spreading over his face. '**_**They **_**don't know we're not allowed to use magic at home. I'm going to have a lot of fun with Dudley this summer …'**

**End.**

"Merlin, _finally _it's over!" moaned Lorcan. "I thought I was going to –"

"That was awesome!" said Lysander enthusiastically.

"You prat!" scolded Lorcan. "You're supposed to finish my sentence!"

"How the hell would I know what you're going to say?"

"We're twins, aren't we?"

"That doesn't mean we're telepathic!"

"Now, now. Don't fight," said a voice as a figure appeared in the room. It was Sirius! Apparating in the room with him were Remus, Tonks, Dumbledore and Snape.

"Never mind that your presence here is defying every law known to the Wizarding Community. Are you here to save us?" pleaded Lily.

"No," smiled Dumbledore with a twinkle in his eye. "Much better than that. We're going to read Twilight!"

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><p><strong>28 reviews in four chapters? :O Wowzas. This chapter was brought to you by Emm the Muggle and LuvvinYou, who are uh-may-zing. NinjaBananaPeel, Very Small Prophet, TotalHarryPotterGirl, WHADAYA THINK. CAUSE I DUNNO, MischievousCuriosity, Slyther-Claw-proud, srhittson and TheGingerFiend are also uh-may-zing. Thanks for the suggestions; I'm working on them! I do personally reply to every single review, so if you want to, login and enable your PM function!<strong>

**~ Eight (:**


	6. Harry's Siblings

**Have I told lately you that I love you? I do. Haha, notice how I always use the A/N as an excuse to ramble :P Your suggestions keep this fic going. TwinHarry, forward march!**

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><p><strong>Harry's Siblings<strong>

Ah, twin Potters. There's a plot. Say that the protagonist has a brother or sister. There will be authors who will write their story. Whether it intertwines with actual canon or just shoots off into a whole new direction is up to the writer, but this reader feels that the plot needs to be exposed, anyway.

There's an abundance of clichés to be employed. Harry turns out to be the wrong boy who lived? Was it his twin brother who vanquished Voldemort? Did they pull a twin switch? Do they share a destiny? Did their fates switch? Would Harry have to live his life overshadowed by his legend of a sibling? Would Harry be neglected? Would he grow evil because of the intense jealousy bubbling deep within?

Better yet, what if Harry had lived his life without knowing about his twin? That would prove to be an excellent storyline.

Right?

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><p>"Y-You're my <em>sister<em>?"

"Your twin sister. I'm Hayley."

"But I thought my parents died."

"_Our_ parents. And yes, they did. That doesn't mean that they didn't have twins," said the teal blue-eyed girl.

"But you weren't in any family photos or anything. Nobody said anything about me having a sister."

The girl rolled her eyes. Was this boy seriously her brother? "That's because I was adopted by Voldemort and turned him good. _Duh_."

Merlin, he was stupid. Wasn't it obvious? Hayley flicked her hair.

Harry stared, dumbfounded. There, standing in front of him, was his _sister_?

"What the hell?"

"I've attended Awesome Academy for Freaking Brilliant Witches, where I'm the best in the school. I'm supremely powerful. I am excellent at Quidditch, Wizard Chess, casting spells, brewing potions and pretty much everything and anything. I am the Heir of Slytherin. I am the Chosen One. I am totally awesome. I am everything and anything. Oh, I'm invincible as well. And I'm awesome. Totally awesome."

Harry groaned. Mary Sue? Try _Harry Sue_.

"Oh, you have other brothers and sisters, as well. Heather was adopted by Sirius, so she's an animagus. Hannah was adopted by Lupin, so she can talk to werewolves. Harold was adopted by Moody, so he has a magical eye. Henrietta was adopted by Tonks, so she's a metamorphagus. Harvey and Howard were adopted by the Malfoys, so they're snobby brats. I am and can do all those things too, by the way. And don't even get me _started_ on our minority siblings Hermano, Har Ree and Harbhajan…"

Harry groaned and closed his eyes. Maybe, if he was lucky enough, this was just a horrible nightmare. Yes, that had to be it. There was no such thing as a Hayley Potter — or Hayley Riddle or whatever. It would all go away when he opened his eyes. One, two, three —

The girl glared at him "What's wrong with you? Something wrong with your eyes? Let me fix them. I'm totally awesome. I even brought our parents back to life."

This reader and Harry speak in unison.

_Voldemort. Kill me now._

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><p><strong>As suggested by DoctorEleven. This chapter is yours :D Beautiful people Jujube.25, LM1991, LuvvinYou (iwannabemrsfelton), Pitch5321, srhittson and Emm the Muggle have reviewed. You know you want to be them. Alerts and faves are awesome, I daresay, but it's the reviews that really, really make my day (:<strong>

**~ Eighty-Weighty**


	7. What's in a Name

**We hit 50 reviews! :DDD Butterbeer for everyone (:  
>This isn't exactly a plot as such, but it's a pet peeve of mine and it <em>is<em> used really often. If you don't like it, "normal" plot exposure will continue next week :)**

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><p><strong>What's in a Name<strong>

Harry's hands shook as he held up the parchment. His eyes scanned the lines, and with every sentence, he grew more and more terrified.

"R-Ron? Her-Hermione?" he called out in a tremulous voice.

"Whath up, mate?" asked Ron through mouthfuls of steak and kidney pie.

"Apparently, m-my name isn't my n-name."

"What?"

"H-Harry is just short for Harold. My f-full name is Harold James Potter."

Ron was guffawing on the floor, spilling his chocolate gateau all over the place.

"Ge' a load of thith, 'Mione!" laughed Ron through bites of treacle tarts.

"And when have you _ever_ called me that, Ronald?" said Hermione icily.

Ron swallowed. "In the books?"

Hermione shook her head.

He tried again. "In the movies?"

Hermione glared.

"In Fanfiction?"

"Guys," pleaded Harry through gritted teeth. "I'm going through an identity crisis here and all you can do is argue about _names_?"

"Make Ronald apologise, Harold."

"Oh, don't you start on me," snapped Harry.

Hermione looked away.

"OK, fine. Ron, apologise to 'Mione."

Hermione's nostrils flared. "It's even worse when you say it! At least it's endearing if it's Ronald! It's just crazy when you say it!"

"But 'Mione's shorter! What's wrong with that? You're the crazy one! Why do you call him Ronald, anyway? That's _longer_, genius."

"Maybe it thexthy?" suggested Ron through a sizeable chunk of lamb.

Hermione glowered at Harry. "Maybe you should start calling Ginny by her full name – Virginia!"

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><p>"Yaxley. Snape," said a high, clear voice from the head of the table. "You are very nearly late."<p>

The speaker was seated directly in front of the fireplace, so that it was difficult, at first, for the new arrivals to make out more than his silhouette. As they drew nearer, however, his face shone through the gloom, hairless, snake-like, with slits for nostrils and gleaming red eyes whose pupils were vertical. He was so pale that he seemed to emit a pearly glow.

"Sev, here," said Voldemort, indicating the seat on his immediate right. The rest of the Death Eaters giggled.

Snape flushed a shade of pink. "Only Lily called me that, my Lord," he mumbled.

"Only the Mudblood called you that?" gasped Voldemort, feigning surprise. "What should I call you then? _Sevvie_?"

All the surrounding Death Eaters broke into raucous laughter. Or rather, fits of schoolgirlish giggles.

"Oh yeah?" said Snape defiantly. "That's big talk coming from someone with a name like yours, Tommy. I mean, it's acceptable if we were named that way. That's not our fault. But you gave yourself _another_ name. Voldemort? What the hell is that, anyway? Is that a disease, Voldy?"

Much to everyone's surprise, their Dark Lord turned a violent shade of crimson.

"I'll have you know," he began in a quivering voice. His eyes welled up with tears, "That I named myself after my grandmother."

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><p><strong>Much love to Snarky64, theintrigueddirigibleplum, ilovecupcakes xxx, LM1991, obsessivegirl73, Kazztar, Wetstar, MischievousCuriosity, WritetoReading, The Hash Slinging Slasher, March, iwannabemrsfelton, srhittson, Emm the Muggle and Pigfarts-It's on Mars.<br>What do you think about how us writers use names in fics? :) Let me know in the reviews!**

**~ Eightttt **


	8. NextGen

**Thank you to those who responded so nicely to my PMs :) Lovelovelove.  
>Don't let the title fool you; I do not want to destroy fanfiction :O What else can I spend all my time on when I should be studying? :D<strong>

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><p><strong>NextGen<strong>

The blonde boy paced up and down the living room, more nervous than he'd ever been in his entire life. His hair was slicked back and he was wearing very smart dress robes. However, he didn't feel nearly as confident as he dressed. Scorpius Malfoy tugged at his collar uneasily.

And there she was.

Walking down those stairs, she was the most beautiful girl in the entire universe. Rose Weasley. Her wavy red hair hanging down to her waist; her magnificent, sequined dress, complimenting her silky complexion; her cousin glaring at him, looking as if he wanted nothing more than to rip his head off.

Scorpius was brought back into reality. There stood Albus Potter, his piercing, green eyes accentuated by his jet-black hair. If looks could kill…

"Hi," said Scorpius feebly, turning to Rose. "Should we – um – go?"

"You go ahead, Rosie," interrupted Albus' icy voice. "I need to have a word with Mr Blondie here."

Rose smiled. The girl was amazing. Impeccable grades. Incredibly attractive, too. She stepped out and closed the door. The two boys were alone. Scorpius felt his palms shaking. He pressed them against his legs. Bad move. His legs were now shaking as well.

"Al," began Scorpius but he was silenced.

"I swear, Malfoy, if you break her heart, I will not rest until I make sure that every single piece of you is –"

"Al, we're best friends," pleaded Scorpius. "We always have been. Since we were sorted in first year, remember? When, for some reason, the Sorting Hat gave you a choice and you chose to be in Slytherin? When, for another strange reason, you were suddenly shunned by your family just for being in a different house, though you were already given the indication that no one would treat you any differently?"

"Oh, I remember," said Albus. "You were like a brother to me. But then you just had to fall for my cousin. You just _had_ to fall for Rose."

"I'm not apologising, Al," Scorpius stood up, surging with strangely abrupt confidence. Wasn't he afraid just moments earlier? Strange.

"I love her."

Albus sighed, suddenly giving in. Wasn't he bent on Scorpius' destruction earlier? Hmm.

"I know. It just sucks. Why'd my best friend have to fall in love with my cousin? Who could've possibly anticipated this?"

"A lot of people, apparently. They're really sour about my dad and her mom never ending up together. Dramione, you know? I guess having me and Rose together is the next best thing."

"That's ridiculous."

"Or, I could be paired up with Lily if you want."

"My _sister_? That's even worse!" exclaimed Albus hotly. "What would you guys be called? 'Scorpily'? No, not in a million years!"

"It has a devoted fanbase! Then again, so does Tedily."

"Teddy and Lily?" roared Al. "They're practically siblings! And their ages are too far apart!"

"The shippers don't think so, apparently."

"Merlin, isn't there a single ship about us that actually makes any sense?"

"Well…" drawled Scorpius, advancing. "There _is_ Albus/Scorpius slash…"

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><p><strong>This chapter was suggested by dear reviewer iwannabemrsfelton, who keeps giving hard suggestions for chapters :P Other people who I want to douse in awesomesauce are theintrigueddirigibleplum, hannahlucyy, Liv, Keanna Black, Necrophobia, OctoberSunlight, Katzztar, WritetoReading, madnessdownunder2, NinjaBananaPeel, obsessivegirl73, iwannabemrsfelton, toxicjade, MischievousCuriosity, Emm the Muggle and Slyther-Claw-proud.<strong>  
><strong>So awesome to see both old and new faces emerging in the reviews (:<strong>

**~ Eightz.**


	9. Marauders Era

**By far the most requested parody of this fic. I give you:**

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><p><strong>Marauders Era<strong>

"GO OUT WITH YOU?" shrieked Lily. "I'd rather jump off the astronomy tower!"

"Bad luck, Prongs," smiled Sirius as James walked dejectedly towards the Marauders' area in the Gryffindor common room.

Remus' eyes widened. "Why are we using our nicknames in public? The common room is packed! Shouldn't we protect our identities, lest someone finds out that our nicknames actually correspond to our animal forms? You guys are unregistered Animagi! You could be in serious trouble if you got caught!"

"Oh, Moony," James said as he waved his hand. "Do shut up."

"Yeah," barked Sirius with laughter. "Siriusly."

"That's not even funny," muttered Remus as he slumped into his seat.

"It's not gonna happen. We're way too smart for anyone," winked James.

"Yeah," agreed Sirius. "We've even become unregistered Animagi! How many wizards can say they've done that?"

James nodded, "I'm way too intelligent for my own good, really. I'm exactly the kind of guy who you'd never catch being without his wand, especially if some kind of evil, twisted wizard was trying to kill my son or something."

Remus shuddered. "Did you feel that? Felt like foreshadowing…"

"So," said James as he tossed a Quaffle to his friend. "How's your love life, Padfoot?"

"Siriusly great," he winked.

"Stop it," said Remus through gritted teeth.

"Really?" asked James, ignoring the werewolf. "How so? Going out with a random girl who will end up dying soon, rendering us incapable of mentioning her ever gain? Or, maybe, someone part of an organisation we'll have in the future? Better yet, how about some prankster girls? Obvious cheap rip-offs of our gang?"

"Hey, I'm not the one who gets rejected repeatedly by the girl I love," Sirius shot back.

"She _will_ go out with me! I'm just gonna eventually do something she thinks is nice or valiant. That'd work."

"_That'd work_," mocked Remus. "You know that she only hates you because you're such an arrogant bully. Maybe you should start being nicer? Instead of just messing up your hair whenever she's within a five mile radius of you?"

James sighed.

"Touché."

* * *

><p>"Where the hell is Wormtail?"<p>

* * *

><p>"I love you, James," gushed Lily, twirling her red hair.<p>

"Yes!" yelled James, triumphant. "You chose me! Even though I've always had the sadistic pleasure of tormenting others! Even though I've been a self-centered, undermining bastard all my life! You chose me! I'm so lucky that Snape called you one bad word and had all ties severed with you from thenceforth!"

He paused, pondering. "You know… All that slimy git did was call you one bad word. I've been a spoilt, jerk-faced bully all my life. Why did you choose me?"

"Well," stammered Lily. "You _are_ incredibly fit."

* * *

><p>"I love you, Moony," panted Sirius as he kissed his fellow Marauder passionately.<p>

"I love you too, Pads," gasped Remus as he slid off his robes. "Come on, let's– oh no. No! No! No!"

Remus yelled in agony as he began his metamorphosis. He was turning into a werewolf!

"Damn!" swore Sirius. "So close!" How could he fulfil his beastly desires now?

His eyes lit up as a plan formulated, and his body was soon replaced with that of a large, black dog, eyes glinting madly.

* * *

><p><strong>Doggy style ;)<br>Oh gosh, sorry! :P Just had to do that one.  
>This was super duper fun to do :') I really love them Marauders.<br>Ideas discussed and suggested by fantastical reviewers: Necrophobia, Obscure-DA-member, Jacky Dupree, samira parsa, Rodrigo DeMolay, DrEvilsketch, Katzztar and Mary Olivia. This chappie's for you guys!  
>In other news, iwannabemrsfelton, Emm the Muggle, hannahlucyy, obsessivegirl73, MischievousCuriosity, <strong>**wrr0rzxpurrt and NinjaBananaPeel ****reviewed as well :D Stay awesome, yeah?**

**~ Eight loves you :) Do you love me too?**


	10. Time Turner Trouble

**10 chapters. 10 consecutive weeks. Over 100 reviews. Thank you so much.  
>Firewhiskey for everyone! (:<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Time-Turner Trouble<strong>

Hermione squirmed in her seat. She was sitting in Professor Dumbledore's office. This was the one place she definitely should _not_ be in at that moment. She was only trying to help Neville with his gooey pus of a potion. Why did Snape have to give her detention for that?

Her gaze shifted to the desk. There lay a golden necklace, resembling an hourglass. Oh, a Time-Turner. What retched things. Her memory of the stress she had to endure during her third year because of the device was still fresh in her mind. Why did McGonagall lend her one, anyway? She was only thirteen. Even the Ministry only had a handful of those things. The most accomplished wizards of all time didn't use Time-Turners, and yet a school student was given the right to.

She picked it up and turned it in her palm. Who would create such a – oh, whoops. She dropped it.

Bending down, she realised with a groan that the Time-Turner had, in fact, broken. The hourglass was shattered. All of a sudden, the sand inside the device started rising. The whirlwind of sediments encircled her. Gasping for air, she saw the world spinning around her. She passed out.

* * *

><p>A kind and strangely familiar voice roused her. "I see you've awoken, child."<p>

Hermione squinted. It was Professor Dumbledore! She shot upright.

"Professor!" she gasped, and proceeded to tell the Headmaster every excruciating detail about her plight.

"It seems that," said Dumbledore, "although you clearly have travelled back in time, my future self knows nothing about this?"

"Erm. I'm not really sure."

"Nevertheless, it seems that we are currently unable to send one forth in time. You're – for lack of a better description – stuck here," smiled Dumbledore, a bit sadly.

"Will I disrupt the space-time continuum?"

"Nothing can be changed because anything a traveller does merely produces the circumstances they had noted before traveling."

"Come again?"

"You will have to be sorted, no doubt."

"But I've already been sorted into Gryff–"

"But times have changed, haven't they?" he said with a twinkle.

* * *

><p>"SLYTHERIN!" shouted the Hat.<p>

"WHAT?" shouted Hermione.

She trembled. Was there some deep, convoluted inner meaning to this? Could she have been, dare she say it, _meant_ to be in Slytherin all along?

"Nah," chuckled the Hat. "I'm just trying to screw with you."

Hermione was fuming. Why would she be sorted in such a notorious, prejudiced – oh, Merlin.

She looked at the Slytherin table. There, sat a fifteen-year-old Severus Snape. His greasy black hair hanging like a curtain and his long nose even more protruding than ever.

She passed out.

"My," noticed Dumbledore. "They do that a lot, don't they?"

* * *

><p>After spending some time with her future Potions professor, Hermione deduced that Severus wasn't that bad. Plus, she managed to befriend Lily Evans of Gryffindor. They were two gifted Muggle-borns, so they found that they could confide in each other. Lily was hot.<p>

Wait, what?

Hermione paused. Was she feeling alright? She thought for a while. Come to think of it, James Potter, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were pretty good looking too. Who cared about Peter Pettigrew. But Severus was the first to really be nice to her. She really wanted him to put a baby in her. Wait. Oh, God. What was happening? Was she falling for these people?

What was she going to do? Would she get impregnated by one of these men and give birth? Would she ever return to her present time? Didn't Time-Turners work by the hours, not years?

Hermione groaned. "Why do these sort of things always happen to me?"

* * *

><p><strong>And indeed, it does always happens to her :P<strong>

**Dedicated to iwannabemrsfelton, Emm the Muggle, Keanna Black and NinjaBananaPeel :D Hope you guys liked it.**

**Other supermegafoxyawesomehot people are as follows: theintrigueddirigibleplum, pepe200, MaryOlivia, Katzztar, NevilleBamf, phantomforever42, Snarky64, TotalHarryPotterGirl, obsessivegirl73, srhittson, Blood of the Dawn, ProtegoTotalum, TheGreatAndPowerfulMoz, hannahlucyy, samira parsa, No Name, madnessdownunder2, MischievousCuriosity, TheGingerFiend, Jacky Dupree, Purianee and angeleyeswithdevilhorns. Thanks for the reviews!**

**Happy 10th, everyone! :D**


	11. Daddy Issues

**Hai :3 So, I checked my stats, and the most of the people reading this fic are located in countries that speak these languages:  
>Hello. Bonjour. Hallo. Namaste. Kumusta ka.<strong> **Frisian. Hej. Preved.** **Yow Wah gwaan.** **Sawadee ka. Hola. Ciao. Halo.** **Witaj.  
>I don't even know if that was right. I hope some of you do.<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Daddy Issues<strong>

The whole plot with Severus Snape being Harry Potter's birth father is – well – to say the least it's – _interesting_?

With authors trying to make their story as canon-esque as possible, there has to be a perfectly logical explanation as to why and how that greasy dingbat could ever father that bratty geek. Possible scenarios are as follows:

"But you always hated me," sighed Harry. It was hard discovering that your least favourite professor was in fact your biological father.

"I don't," said Snape kindly. "I only hate popular kids who receive special treatment for being famous. Oh – wait."

"It's OK. I forgive you."

"But I treated you with contempt all your life."

"I forgive you."

"But I always hated James Potter."

"I forgive you.

"But I had sex your mother."

"I forgive you."

"But I ate the last cookie."

"You son of a –"

* * *

><p>Voldemort being Harry's father is even <em>more<em> implausible, if even possible. This reader had been told to read some fics pertaining to this plot, and at first she didn't believe there could be such thing.

Voldemort was prancing about. He had just murdered James and Lily Potter in Godric's Hollow. Only their boy was left now, staring at him with large unblinking eyes, fascinated with the human-snake-thingy in front of him.

"Hmm… It seems that although I have spent a long time trying to kill this Harry Potter, as his life would mean my death, I have suddenly decided to adopt him. He will now be my son and we will rule the world together, even though the whole point of this charade was to kill him. Even though he is the only thing standing in my way of ruling the entire world. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Or, better yet, I could understand the power of love and decide to spare the child. Awesome."

* * *

><p>"Hi. I'm Harry Potter. I grew up without my father's loving, yet firm guidance. Now, in absence of a stable fatherly figure who doesn't have to go into hiding, I am left angsty and irrational."<p>

He looked around the circle he sat in to see the faces of Tom Marvolo Riddle, Severus Snape and Barty Crouch Jr., who all spoke in unison.

"Hi, Harry."

* * *

><p><strong>Did you guys understand the last part? :O<strong>

**For March and WritetoReading :D  
><strong>

**You know who's awesome? theintrigueddirigibleplum, DoctorEleven, Purianee, iwannabemrsfelton, obsessivegirl73, Hachichiyyin, Popcorn Life, TheGreatAndPowerfulMoz, hannahlucyy, Jacky Dupree, MaryOlivia, Katzztar, Less-Then-3, Blood of the Dawn, DrEvilsketch, NinjaBananaPeel, angeleyeswithdevilhorns, Gamma Orionis, Pitch5321, Emm the Muggle, MischievousCuriosity, OctoberSunlight, srhittson and Aister97 are awesome.**

**This might sound awkward, but… I think I love you :D**

**~ Eight**


	12. No Wove for Won Won

**This week, we shall travel back into the past :O This was written as the first chapter of Destroying Fanfiction, but was decidedly scrapped. I never deemed it a good enough chapter :P  
>But now, I think we've got to know each other a little better, so I present to you what I think is a not-so-good piece of writing :D I don't really like the points I made. Wasn't a strong idea to begin with :P<br>Unedited since I've first written it. I do believe that Ron is underrated :)**

* * *

><p><strong>No Wove for Won-Won<strong>

The character Harry Potter has over 4500 pages of fanfiction. That's understandable. He is our protagonist, after all. Harry and Draco. Harry and Hermione. Harry and Ginny. Harry and Sirius. Harry and OCs. With plots ranging from being a girl to being evil. From him not being the Chosen One to him being an ordinary Muggle. It's all good.

The character Hermione Granger has almost 4000 pages of fanfiction. With OCs and Weasleys and Malfoys and other guys. She is the brain behind the Golden Trio, after all. Her plots range from falling in love with Snape to hiding from the Ministry of Magic. She's one of the deuteragonists. No problem.

What about the character Ron Weasley? He's important too, right? Let's see… Oh — Oh dear. Just over 1000 pages for the youngest Weasley boy. Hmm… Let's look at the B Characters he's with, then. They're — They're almost all about Ron and Hermione. OK. That's fine. They are canon, after all. Nothing wrong with that. There should be some good plots, right? They're about love. From marriages to hooking up. From falling apart to having babies. All of them. Is that it?

Poor Ron. No wonder he suffers from an inferiority complex. Heck, Malfoy has more fics and better storylines than him. No love for Ron? No wove for Won-Won?

* * *

><p>Oh, wait. Maybe there is love, after all. His love for food? Surely there had to be decent fanfiction about that?<p>

The doctor emerged from the ward to find a very anxious and distraught Hermione and a pacing Harry. He sighed.

"I'm afraid your friend Ron didn't make it."

"NO!" screamed Hermione as she lunged at the doctor. With all his might, Harry tried to restrain the sobbing girl.

"Yes," he said. "He has died eating too much food."

* * *

><p>Ron leaned in towards the blonde girl. He spoke in a whisper, but to her, his words were as clear as Nargles were real. "I love you, Luna. Let me bear your children."<p>

Whoa, what? Just because Ron initially dislikes Luna and then grows to like her doesn't mean that he wants to make love to her. Merlin, he grew fond of _Kreacher_. Thank Merlin there aren't any fics about that...

Or are there?

* * *

><p><strong>What do you think of my early piece of work? :O Have I improved over time? (: Heh. New instalments resume next week.<strong>

**Your faves and subscriptions are amazing. I would love it if you left me your thoughts in the review section as well! Be as awesome as Katzztar, MischievousCuriosity, obsessivegirl73,** **Hachichiyyin, WritetoReading, Jacky Dupree, Pigfarts-It's On Mars, DrEvilsketch, OctoberSunlight, hannahlucyy, MaryOlivia, theintrigueddirigibleplum, **TheGingerFiend, iwannabemrsfelton, all the lonely people, pepe200, Rodrigo DeMolay, Blood of the Dawn, Popcorn Life, srhittson, HarriieeePotahhhh. x, Slyther-Claw-proud, NinjaBananaPeel and DrinkingAlcoholicRainbows.****

**~ Eight ^^**


	13. Hogwarts

**Meant to be the final chapter of this set of ficlets, as a way of summing everything up, but I decided against it. Also, you don't really want it to end, do you? (:**

* * *

><p><strong>Hogwarts<strong>

Harry yawned as he got up. He was filthy, covered in a thick layer of grime, dirt and mud. He scratched his dirty scalp. A twig fell out of it. Yes, normal Hogwarts residents didn't shower or use bathrooms. Those were only reserved for the likes of prefects and Quidditch captains.

"I suddenly feel very angsty. Maybe I'll shout at my closest friends or threaten to jump off the astronomy tower!:

He greeted his two best friends as he sat down at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall.

"'Ey, 'Arry," choked Ron through mouthfuls of toast. It was a wonder he wasn't obese.

"Salutations, bespectacled companion," said Hermione, who proceeded to inform him about the new school year's timetable. Merlin, that girl was annoying.

"Hasn't Hermione gotten hotter?" whispered Ron. Indeed, she had become remarkably well-endowed over the past summer.

"Hi, Harry," cooed a voice. It was Ginny.

"Shut up, stupid sister," scolded Ron. "You're annoying and no one likes you. You're exactly the kind of girl who wouldn't ever be paired up with a main character of a commercially successful book series."

Harry's eyes wandered over to the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy flashed him his million-dollar smile. How Harry hated him. His light blonde hair, perfectly combed; his cold, calculating, blue eyes, which actually had some good intent in them or something; his pale, hollow, cheekbones, adding to his already devilishly handsome features.

Oh, no. He was smiling at Hermione!

"You always get the hot guys," he pouted.

"Excuse me?" scoffed Hermione. "I get _all_ the guys, regardless of physical features or sexual prowess. Would you like to be paired with _Snape_?"

Hmm. Harry was still looking at Draco. Maybe he would go over to the Slytherin common room later that night to –

"Hi, Harry!" exclaimed Luna, popping out of nowhere, causing Ron to drop his bowl of cereal.

"Bloody hell! You should be on a leash!"

"Oh," said Harry, with a distinct twinge of sadness in his voice. "Hi, Luna. What's up?"

"Well, my shoes have been stolen again –"

"No one cares," growled Ron.

"Why don't you just tell a teacher?" sighed Harry. "I bet Professor Flitwick will put an end to the bullying."

Ron interjected, "You kidding? He's like a foot tall. Flitwick's the one who needs to worry about being bullied."

"The educators here are remarkably adept at not only their individual subjects, but magic as a whole," said Hermione.

"Yeah. Flitwick, McGonagall and Slughorn would be able to take on Voldemort in a duel, I bet," said Harry, with faith in his professors.

"If they're so skilled at Magic," said Ron, "why are they stuck in low-end teaching jobs?"

"Hey," said Oliver Wood, winking at Hermione. "Wanna go out?"

Ron was fuming. "Wow. That wasn't unexpected at all. No, it's not surprising that a minor supporting character suddenly appears and gets lots of fanservice. Not weird at all."

"You're just jealous no one likes you, Weasley."

"Burned," Harry put in helpfully.

"Ahem. Good morning, students!" grinned Dumbledore maniacally, rising from his seat. "Just a reminder to everyone that it is against the school rules to be out at night after hours. If you get caught, I might just have to kill you."

He chuckled.

"Anyway, it seems that we have a new transfer student here today."

"We have transfers?" mouthed Ron, confused.

"Please give a warm welcome to our new student, Miss Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way! I hope you will make Miss Way feel at home here. Or is it Miss Raven Way?"

He shrugged.

"Wow," whistled Harry. "She's hot."

Sensing that Harry might be interested in the new girl, Ginny made her move.

"So, the Yule Ball's coming up," she gushed, battering her eyelashes.

Harry stared. "Why do we have so many balls in this school?"

"That's what she said," sniggered Ron.

"I was wondering…" Ginny smiled shyly. "If you would – you know – um – go… with me?"

"Nah," shrugged Harry. "I'm gonna go with Cho Chang!" he added enthusiastically. "And it's OK if she declines, because all the girls in this school love me anyway!"

Ginny ran away crying.

"Touchy, much?" said Harry. "Girls are all over me. Since I was in first year, really. Can't wait to see how many dates I get in eighth."

Ron gaped, "I didn't know we had an eighth year."

Hermione shook her head. "Wow, Harry. You're painfully egotistical."

"That's what she said?"

"Not now, Ron," said Harry. "I can't help it that I'm popular, Hermione. At least I'm awesome. You can't draw."

* * *

><p><strong>Only some of you will get that reference.<strong>

**So there you go. The cornucopia of clichés. You can never get enough ArrogantHarry, GluttonRon, SenileDumbledore, GinnyBashing, HotHermione, and just pretty much everything I've mentioned here :P An extra long chappie for you guys, because I just can't fight my feelings for you ;)**

**With elements of toxicjade's story and ideas from Less-Then-3, Pitch5321, Jacky Dupree, TheGreatAndPowerfulMoz and all the lonely people.  
>Thanks to Isilarma, TotalHarryPotterGirl, WeasleySeeker, iwannabemrsfelton, NinjaBananaPeel, hannahlucyy, theintrigueddirigibleplum, srhittson, MischievousCuriosity, DrEvilsketch, Emm the Muggle, BlueberryPapercuts and N.W. Potter Lover for reviewing!<strong>


	14. Of Abuse and Mentors

**The last chapter had an overwhelming response. I had like, 30 reviews. A personal record. How can I thank you guys enough?  
>How about another chapter? :) <strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Of Abuse and Mentors<strong>

The Dursleys can abuse Harry Potter? Three Muggles can cause harm to the famous Boy Who Lived? This reader finds this hard to believe. The Dursleys wouldn't go out of their way to physically torture the boy using violence. Don't they just want to be normal? Sure they might give Harry tedious chores to complete, but what's the worse he could be given with?

"BOY!"

Harry cringed. Oh, no. Not again.

"BOY!"

He slowly inched towards the bathroom. They couldn't make him do this. How could they make him do this?

"Boy," said Vernon, suddenly giving him a malicious grin. "Your Aunt Marge is exhausted from her long trip to Privet Drive. She's going to taker her bath soon. But not before you do her a little – _favour_…"

Vernon handed Harry a razor. He gulped, wishing Voldemort would just hurry up and kill him already. He wasn't ready for this sort of mental scarring.

There, sitting on a stool, sat that humongous man-woman. Harry would be damned if her moustache wasn't bigger than Vernon's. She took off her shirt and had her back faced at Harry.

"Start shaving."

* * *

><p>It seems that, for some reason, Snape is always the one who ends up rescuing Harry from his form of torture.<p>

"Why did you save me?"

"You have your mother's eyes."

"So?"

"They turn me on."

* * *

><p>Snape stalked around Harry, his long robes billowing. It was time for the boy's tutelage. He could learn a great deal from a certain mastermind called Severus Snape.<p>

"The art of greasiness," he began.

"Excuse me?"

"Silence, Potter. My countenance and thus attributed stylish desire is not a prerequisite, but a perquisite. Indeed, it has ben a long and arduous struggle in maintaining the perfect equilibrium balancing sliminess, yet keeping a polished, refined appearance. There is a fine line between oil and spoil."

Harry stared in awe.

"So that's how it is?"

"Nah. I just bathe in cooking oil everyday."

* * *

><p><strong>It does wonders for your complexion ;)<strong>

**I kinda have some news that might be perceived as 'bad' :/ I'm off for the holidays next week! This means no updates for a little while. Probably until next year. Ah, this breaks my fourteen consecutive weeks streak. Oh well. I'll be back before you know it, I promise! Thanks for sticking by me (:**

**For Snarky64, Rodrigo DeMolay, Katzztar and Protego Totalum.  
>I'm partying with DrinkingAlcoholicRainbows, obsessivegirl73, iwannabemrsfelton, WeasleySeeker, WritetoReading, pepe200, toxicjade, Popcorn Life, NinjaBananaPeel, Mugglemigglemaggie, WizardWay, Jacky Dupree, Zanawolf, StormySeaEyes, srhittson, all the lonely people, MyTeenageDream,<strong> **HarriieeePotahhhh. x, taiShafie, AshEnigma, stars fall at midnight, DrEvilsketch, Eraya, MischievousCuriosity, Slyther-Claw-proud and xxyaoifangurlxx.  
>You wanna know why? :O<br>It's because we now have over 200 reviews! :D I could never have gotten this far without you guys. Really, it means a lot to me. I'm tearing up here :')  
><strong>

**Merry Christmas!**

**~ Eight, signing off for the last time in 2011. Here's to a new year!**


	15. Discovering Fanfiction

**So… Erm… This is awkward.  
>I'm so sorry for ditching you guys : It's just – ah. School's really tough now; I'm taking major exams these couple years. Hardly have time to do anything. My updates will not be so frequent, I'm afraid. Actually, they won't really be frequent at all. **I'll also really miss responding to each of your reviews. Again, **I'm sorry. 2011 was a good year for me. I religiously updated once every week. Hope you guys enjoyed that while it lasted.**

**I do **_**not **_**want to stop updating until I end this fic, though, so you can trust that I will update, be it a chapter a month or a chapter in a decade. Hopefully it won't have to come to the latter.**

**Thanks for sticking by me. Now enough with the sadness and onto the chapter! :D**

* * *

><p><strong>Discovering Fanfiction<strong>

Does the Wizarding World know anything about the Muggle Internet? Surely the thought of billions of people living thousands of kilometres apart being able to interact by the means of just typing into their computers can be deemed a worthy achievement of non-magical beings?

Nevertheless, if the Wizarding World were in fact oblivious to the online world, it would be strange if the Golden Trio suddenly stumbled upon an old, unused computer in Hogwarts. Wizards don't even know of electricity, do they?

More plausible introductions suggest that maybe they might have been at Hermione's house. Being a Muggle of the 20th century, she was bound to have Internet, right? It beat the explanation about Hermione finding a book of Fanfiction, anyway.

* * *

><p>Harry looked sickly. "Oh God, there are stories about me and <em>Malfoy<em>?"

"Really?" asked Ron, exasperated. "We stumble upon a cornucopia of stories about our lives written by Muggles, completely oblivious to the fact that we're not really fictional, and all you can think about is a story about you and Malfoy?"

"Wow, Ron," said Hermione, sounding impressed. "I can't believe you're the voice of reason among us. You sounded pretty intelligent there, too."

Harry looked back at the screen. "I think the Muggles would define that as 'OOC'."

"I have never realised that I'd loved Malfoy all this while?" cried Harry, outraged. "Who writes these things? Why me and Malfoy?"

"It's a pretty popular pairing," said Hermione. "As they say: Keep calm, Drarry on. I am actually a proud shipper –"

Harry glared at the girl, who immediately turned red and shut up.

"Well," he said, snatching the mouse from her. "I bet there has to be some stupid stories about you, Hermione."

He scrolled down.

"Aha!" he grinned smugly. "Here we go. This story pairs a certain HG with a certain SS."

Hermione's eyes widened.

"No, don't!"

"I don't know what this big M means, but that's not going to stop me from reading!"

* * *

><p>"Ugh," she winced. "I feel like throwing up…"<p>

"I actually kinda regret clicking on that," gagged Harry. "I now feel like physically scraping the scarring mental image out of my head."

"Just shut up."

"Who knew it would be so – greasy?"

"SHUT UP!" roared Hermione, covering her ears.

Ron shook his head, smiling. He looked at his two best friends sympathetically.

"Tough, I guess. I bet there isn't any disgusting Fanfiction about _me_."

"Um, Ron. There _isn't_ any fanfiction about you."

* * *

><p><strong>I enjoyed doing this episode :D It's all iwannabemrsfelton's fault. She made me do it ;D <strong>

**Thanks to the incredibly sexy obsessivegirl73, AtticusLovesMe, Supermegafoxyawsomehot, cArLySTAR15, the intrigueddirigibleplum, ThoseDreamsOfMine, contemplating being nocturnal, Mskayyy, Protego Totalum, Snarky64, JackyDupree, Katzztar, hannahlucyy, iamnumbernine, Rodrigo DeMolay, Popcorn Life, Emm the Muggle, srhittson, taiShafie, WeasleySeeker, herpderp14, MischievousCuriosity, NinjaBananaPeel, Happy Hufflepuff, BlueberryPapercuts, River in Egypt, Lightning and Blossoms, CassadagaFP, ashu711 and wingswordsandmetaphors.**

**My, our family has grown hasn't it? (:**

**Hope you guys'll understand. I appreciate every single one of you, may you be a reader, reviewer, subscriber, faver, or any combination of those. To let you guys know, I hit an astounding all-time personal record of 40 reviews since Chapter 14 came out. I don't even know what to say anymore. asdfghjkl. Love you loads.**

**~ Eight x**


	16. My Immortal and Commentaries

**I'm back! Thanks for staying, guys! I apologise for my prolonged absence. But I shall not bore you with my monotonous bemoaning. Almost 300 reviews :O Freaking hell. I love you all so so much. Guess what? My birthday's this week. Haha :D This is a wonderful gift from you guys, so I thank you once more (:**

**Today, on a very special episode of Destroying Fanfiction (not really), we take a look at one of the most notorious if not most widely discussed and well-known piece of Harry Potter fanfiction of all time. Sorry if this you don't find this as humorous as my previous ones. I wanted to give some of my opinions this time :) "Normal" plot exposure will make a return next chapter.**

* * *

><p><strong>My Immortal and Commentaries<strong>

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) (**Puts in some bad insults about the spelling)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(Talks about how she should be nominated for worst proofreader ever blah blah)** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **(Some more ever so intelligently thought up commentary)** MCR ROX!

* * *

><p>Deemed by many as the worst piece of fanfiction ever, My Immortal has both frustrated and humoured readers for years. Some claim that brain cells are destroyed in the process of reading this fic, and others already seem affected. The author, Tara Gilesbie, seemed not to have heard of spell-check, and her story has been regarded a prime example of everything a fanfic should <em>not<em> have. With a myriad of spelling and grammatical errors; Mary Sues; OOC; a lack of a stable plot; angry interaction with the reviewers midway through the story; plot holes; paragraphs of swear words; a lack of plot devices; confusing nicknames and a complete absence of logic, it has been argued if My Immortal was actually the work of a troll. If so, the author is a very skilled one, managing to make the people of the Internet cry and renounce their faith in humanity. If not, then we may well be screwed after all.

There currently are numerous copies and reuploads of this piece of work after its removal in 2008, but even more prominent are uploads of commentaries regarding the fanfiction that supposedly scarred so many readers.

Some things just shouldn't be tampered with.

It seems that reuploading a story with snarky remarks passes for humour nowadays. Sometimes, this reader believes that some MST fics are even worse than original stories. Hundreds of reviews for just inserting some comments in bold along with uploading someone else's writing? Ah, fanfiction.

My Immortal was just so bad that taking it seriously would just be a waste of time. And personally insulting the author for creating such a thing? Doesn't anyone think that that's flaming in itself?

Of course, everyone is allowed to have their opinions. If you want to join the many, many authors who have done their own commentaries, by all means do so.

Making fun of other works isn't funny. Who does that? Oh, wait –

* * *

><p><strong>That's a bit of hypocritical humour there :P I kid, I kid :D I don't make fun of stuff. Do I?<br>Haha. Did I sound angsty today? I apologise. I'm a very happy person :) Especially because Jacky Dupree, obsessivegirl73, Future Starkid Member, cArLySTAR15, Fabugal1, WritetoReading, hannahlucyy, contemplating being nocturnal, DrinkingAlcoholicRainbows, iwannabemrsfelton, DrEvilsketch, iamnumbernine, MischievousCuriosity, srhittson, taiShafie, NinjaBananaPeel, LilyRosetheDreamer, Popcorn Life, MissSadieKane, AniDenDav, KaleidoscopeKate, Legendary Legacy, CHIBIDEMONofDOOM, Who really cares about my name, mudkiprox, Team Gryffinclaw and littleme36 gave me such lovely reviews!**

**Requested by Happy Hufflepuff. What are your thoughts on My Immortal? Let me know in the reviews section. Till next time :)**

**~ Eight**


	17. Marriage Laws and Arrangements

**Thanks for reading, reviewing, following and faving! I think that one of the things I love most about writing this collection is that I get to hear what you guys think of these clichés as well. Thanks for sharing, my dear friends! :) And I apologise again for being absent for so long. I won't take this long to upload the next chapter, I promise. Hope you're all doing swell :)**

**Do you guys know some good fics about marriage laws?**

* * *

><p><strong>Marriage Laws and Arrangements<strong>

"I'm sorry, Miss Granger, but this simply has to be done."

Hermione was fidgeting in her seat, but her eyes remained fixed on Dumbledore's.

"Why?" she challenged.

Dumbledore sighed, "Miss Granger, as I've said the last three times, it is clearly the best course of action we can take at the moment. I know you remember me explaining this."

"Refresh my memory," she said coldly.

"With you being a Muggle-born, the Death Eaters will obviously be after you. They'll be after anyone anyway, but everyone just seems to be dismissing this fact. The Ministry of Magic has just passed a law that requires arranged marriage as a form of protection for some reason. Apparently, if you're married to a pure-blood, the Death Eaters will spare you. It makes perfect sense."

"Um…"

"No, wait. We'll have you wed a wizard and wipe out all traces of you being a Muggle-born!"

"What about my identification? You can't just change my records! How does that even work?"

"Don't question the plot, Miss Granger!"

"Won't all the sudden nuptials between Muggle-borns and 'purer' wizards sound suspicious to the Death Eaters? I mean, won't they –"

"Or, how about this? You're an orphan and you're of age, so you can't have a guardian. In order to protect you, you're getting married to Severus!" Dumbledore grinned, obviously pleased with himself.

"I still don't quite understand –"

"Or maybe, the Ministry intends to do something about this blood purity thing and force you to marry a pure-blood! Yes, that's it. Some legislation passed by our government!" Dumbledore nodded enthusiastically. "Some law that we are not rebelling against, because we always do what the Ministry says. Yes, that's it."

"But I –"

"I'm glad we're on the same page," he said with an air of finality. "Unless… You wish you wed Draco Malfoy?"

"Marry _Malfoy_?" cried Hermione. "What? How will this arrangement 'protect' me in the slightest?"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not the one responsible for you being the main character of all these stories. It's not my fault you'll initially be repulsed at the mere thought of being forced to marry a certain wizard, only to end up sincerely loving him and being grateful for the very law in the first place."

Hermione massaged her temples. "It's always me, isn't it?"

* * *

><p>Draco smiled as he looked fondly at the children sitting before him on the couch in his house. Life was blissful.<p>

"Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your –"

"Aww, Dad. Please don't," begged the boy. "I have things to do."

"Yeah," nodded the girl. "I've got a Potions essay I haven't started on yet. And I was told by Profess–"

"It all started when I was seventeen. I was at home that day…" Draco began, much to the exasperation of the said children, who slumped in their seats.

**~Flashback~**

Draco was glowering at his father. An arranged marriage? How dare anyone force Draco Malfoy to wed? Preposterous. His father would hear about this. Oh, wait. No, his father was the one he was mad at. Maybe his house-elf would hear about this.

"This is ridiculous," Draco spat.

"Do you need me to explain the importance of this, son?" asked Lucius patiently. "How it is a requisite should you wish to live a peaceful life? How you are in mortal danger unless you comply? How the Ministry and blood purity are involved?"

"Nah. Save your breath."

Lucius heaved a sigh of relief. "Good, because I was just gonna spout some gobbledygook and hope you were too daft to be suspicious. I have no idea either. Why you would be forced into matrimony is beyond me. I'm sure that it certainly isn't an overused plot device, though."

"Just get it over with, OK?"

"Dumbledore is in the middle of bringing your spouse-to-be as we speak. I'm proud of you, son."

"Freak."

With a loud _crack_, Professor Dumbledore appeared in the room. At his arm, Draco's future mate. Draco eyes lingered for a moment. He could feel a bit less resentment now. Maybe this wasn't such a horrible idea after all.

**~End flashback~**

"But that's the funny thing about destiny. It happens whether you plan it or not. I mean, I never thought I'd end up with who I did, but it turns out, I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming.

"Because that, kids, is the true story, of how I met your father."

"Talking about me, dear?" asked Harry coyly as he walked into the room.

"The one and only," smiled Draco.

* * *

><p><strong>*makes gagging sounds*<br>Oh gosh. I don't know if I can ever do a Drarry chapter. Even if it's just parodying. There _are _a lot of Drarry fics, though... This was quite different for me. Different, but fun. A little treat for you guys who know where I borrowed the main premise of the second story from. Hint: it's a sitcom ;)**

**Marriage fics, as requested by iwannabemrsfelton and RenegadeRoland. Thanks to Those beautiful clouds, randomer, SeraAnexia, She-Who-Is-Too-Lazy-To-Login, Spiralling-Down, keep my issues drawn, Mai Lynn Bennet, Shoe Mia, theharrypotterworld, WritetoReading, Katzztar, JackyDupree, Soundhawk, Happy Hufflepuff, Future Starkid Member, Dragoness1400, wingswordsandmetaphors, GinHanelle, ****Emm of the Multifandoms****, srhittson, ****Caeli Quaedem, berrysplashQT, MischievousCuriosity, Emz and ****torpidxXR. .**

**Your reviews mean the world to me.**

**~ Eight ∞**


	18. Songfics

**Hey, everyone! :) Long time no update. Sorry for not being able to keep promises :/**

**As an apology as well as a late Christmas gift, here's an old piece that I've never published until today :O**

**This was the chapter that inspired me to write the Dramione one, but I didn't upload it because I thought it wasn't all that good. I still think so, but I dug it up, edited it a bit, and there you go :D I've actually discovered how hard it is to seriously write songfics. I have some newfound respect :) You have to choose the right mood, the right song, and the right lyrics. And not to mention hoping that your readers have actually heard the song, let alone know how it goes…**

**Of course, that's why I go for humour. Wait. Does this pass as humour?**

* * *

><p><strong>Songfics<strong>

The absurdity of incorporating musical lyrics into pieces of writing can only be justified at how unintentionally funny the end product can turn out.

It "sets the mood"? Honey, having to resort to copying lyrics from songs that remotely seem to fit certain situations without even trying to use techniques like actually _writing_ is not setting any mood for this reader. And if the character's are the ones singing the lines to the song? Word for word? Heaven forbid. This reader finds it weird. Is that not weird?

Maybe it's just her.

* * *

><p>Draco grinned. It was gonna work; he just knew it. He could already see her, so amazed at him. She would fall completely in love with him. That night, they would make sweet, sweet –<p>

"Malfoy," spat Hermione with contempt. "What are you doing outside the Gryffindor common room?"

Draco gave the signal to a couple of people who were out of Hermione's sight. The music began.

"What the hell are you doing, Malfoy?"

"Shh…" winked Draco. "I'm serenading you."

He was a genius. Granger was a Mudblood, so how could one devilishly handsome blonde like himself win the likes of the bookworm bushy-haired girl? Sing her a Muggle song, of course. Pure genius. Oh yeah. She was gonna dig it.

"_You know you love me._"

"Come again?"

"_I know you care._"

"Wrong."

"_Just shout whenever, and I'll be there._"

"Not gonna happen."

"_You are my love, you are my heart._"

"Malfoy, people are staring."

"_And we will never, ever, ever be apart._"

"Malfoy, shut _up_."

"_Are we an item? Girl quit playing._"

"I'm going to punch you."

"'_We're just friends?' What are you sayin'?_"

"Need me to repeat that?"

Draco gulped. Maybe he should cut to the chorus.

"_And I was like, BABY BABY BABY –_"

* * *

><p>"So," said Madam Pomfrey. "How did you end up with three fractured bones?"<p>

"_Oh_," Draco wheezed.

* * *

><p>"Alright. Take two."<p>

It had been a mere two weeks since that escapade, but Draco Malfoy was determined to win that girl's heart. And, he would wow her with his knowledge and superior intellect.

"_Yesterday was Thursday… Today it is Friday… Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards…"_

* * *

><p><strong>I own neither Justin Bieber nor Rebecca Black. I hope you guys actually know these songs O.o I tried using the most notorious ones. What are your thoughts on songfics? Let me know.<strong>

**Last chapter's reviewers are Feloria Forever, Leia 96, Spaidel, theharrypotterworld, iwannabemrsfelton, UnderOriginal, THE-BANNED-AUTHOR, Future Starkid Member, RandomFandom5, srhittson, obsessivegirl73, mcfuz, siriuslymrsmalfoy, disturbinglyprofound, Mskayyy and Hi10000000, and they are all loved by me. I shall give them Christmas pudding through the internet!**

**As always, thank you for everything! Especially for putting up with my slow updates and lame attempts at humour. If only I knew you people in real life :')**

**Hope everyone's enjoying the holidays :) Thanks for an awesome year. See you guys in 2013!**

**- Eight **


	19. Magical Blood

**We hit 400 reviews! Amazing. You guys are fantastic, I swear. Like, I don't even know anymore.**

**I've been working up the courage to ask this for a while now. OK, here goes. **

**Will you go out with me? **

**Y'know, that nice little restaurant near your place? No, the other one. Yes, that's it. Tonight? 7:30? You're paying, of course.**

**Ha. Not even online.**

**Magical Blood**

* * *

><p>This reader has decided to take it upon herself to write a comprehensive guide to writing a typical piece of fanfiction with this as its main plot.<p>

Alright. Here's how it goes. Protagonist discovers that they actually have magical blood. Now, this can be Veela, werewolf, animagus… OK, that last one doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. It can't, anyway. Bonus points for coming up with a tripe backstory, but that's dispensable. The protagonist will learn about this and be initially repulsed, but they will later be glad and understand the perks. This is all fine and well, but what's most important is the _shipping_. Lots and lots of it. Preferably with another character the protagonist can't stand. Yes, that's good. And they start off hating each other, but as their strings of destiny intertwine, they slowly start to fall in love… And have kids.

There you have it. The recipe for disaster – um, I mean a fic about magical blood. Eh, same thing.

What? She never said it was a _good_ guide.

* * *

><p>"Mars Bars," snapped Harry.<p>

"Jeez," said the gargoyle, accepting the password for the headmaster's office. "Someone's in a bad mood. Must be that time of the month…"

"Ah, Harry," smiled Dumbledore, gesturing to a chair. "Please, sit."

"What the _hell_ do you want?"

"Now, now," Dumbledore said, wiggling his finger. "Someone's been a little grumpy these past few days."

"If you only knew how crappy my week has been…" muttered Harry.

"I know full well, my boy. Or, should I say, my Veela. Boy. My Veela boy, I mean. Ahem."

Harry shot up of his seat. "WHAT?"

"Yes," said Dumbledore, straightening his stack of parchments. "Due to some reasons that I will not speak of, not because the author couldn't be bothered to come up with a plausible explanation, but rather because I have decided to withhold some information until you are ready, I suddenly got hold of your birth certificates. And it says here that you are actually a Veela. Congratulations!"

"What? This doesn't even make any sense! Both my parents were human! How is that even –"

"You will require some special training to harness your Veela powers, of course. You are now a Level 2 Wizard. I know, right? I wasn't even aware of this term before either."

"I guess that explains Malfoy's sudden lust for my posterior, but still… Wait a minute. Aren't Veelas girls?"

"Yes," nodded Dumbledore absent-mindedly. "Your powers will be developing soon… Oh, yeah. And so will your breasts."

"Wait. _What_?"

"Soon you shall be able to launch balls of fire from your hands!"

Harry smashed his face against the desk and groaned. The eccentric headmaster paid no heed.

"In due course, you will have to bear his offspring. Motherhood is a challenge," Dumbledore said with a wink.

"I thought we've been through the whole transforming into a girl thing."

"And you shall give birth to an entire army of Veelas, who shall rule the world by flirting with every man on Earth!" cried Dumbledore a little too enthusiastically for comfort, standing up and slamming a fist against his desk.

"Bloody hell. Why me?" Harry closed his eyes and wondered aloud.

"Welcome to the club," said a voice. Harry turned to see a now busty, levitating, aura-emitting, hair-flowing-in-the-wind-that-wasn't-really-there Hermione. "Wait till you hit Level 3. That's when we bind souls."

Seriously, nothing can surprise this reader anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>Or should I say… <strong>_**Siriusly**_**? :DDD **

***gets shot***

**It's an interesting concept, I'll admit. Shame that many of these fics end up making well-liked canon characters become Sues.**

**I was inspired to write this chapter after reading the reviews of Katzztar, Less-Then-3, WaterLily23 and anninas. The other lovelies who reviewed are Isilarma, Kairan1979, ineverhadapony, Shinyzenith, , psychoticphoenix, pepe200, LokiLiesmith, FawkesFeathers123, ErasedMemory, srhittson, JilyForevermore, nannily, RangerManaInSnuggieWar, lol, Guest, iwannabemrsfelton, Bluebell, Caeli Quaedem, ABTheAwesomist, Monsters-Need-Love-Too, angels are watching over you, Akela Victorie, wingswordsandmetaphors, Rose, Winged Time Wolf Ravenclaw, and zhengjiamei. Can I hug you guys?**

**~ Eight xx**


	20. Notes and Conversations

**Hello, all!**

**Thanks for doing what you do! It's amazing to think that this – this thing is on the fave list of 150 people. I just. Argh. I love you all so, so much.**

**Pointless rambling? Check. Thanking people again? Check. Onto the chapter of **_**Destroying Fanfiction**_**. Or, as reviewer Zwart Wit so eloquently put, **_**What happens when a Harry Potter character is thrown into outrageous plot of Fanfiction while they still retain most of their sanity. **_**I notice that some of my portrayed characters are absolute lunatics. Hmm. I blame the author.**

* * *

><p><strong>Notes and Conversations<strong>

Hey Potter.  
>- Malfoy<p>

Go away, Malfoy.  
>- Potter<p>

No.  
>- Malfoy<p>

…

Hey Potter.  
>- Malfoy<p>

What in Merlin's name is wrong with you? You're gonna get us in trouble!

You didn't sign the note  
>- Malfoy<p>

Why the heck do we need to sign them? We're the only ones reading them, moron.

Just. Just. OK?  
>- Malfoy<p>

Fine, you prat. What do you want?  
>- Potter<p>

Wait! Wait! McGonagall's coming! Stop passing the note!  
>- Malfoy<p>

Why are you still writing then, you idiot?  
>- Potter<p>

Great. Now you got us both detentions. Half-blood halfwit.  
>- Malfoy<p>

Wait. How the heck are you still writing this? Class ended five minutes ago.  
>- Potter<p>

* * *

><p>Hey Lily. I know we've been passing notes for a while now, because this has driven the plot for the past ten chapters and all, but I have to ask you something.<br>- James

Oh, hi James. Sure. What's up?  
>- Lily<p>

OK, here goes. You're amazing. When I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mind, everything feels not quite normal. Because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel except you know what kind of man I want to be. It's as if I've reached the unreachable and I wasn't ready for it.  
>- James<p>

... What the hell? That's like, the worst confession ever. I don't even understand what you're trying to say. It doesn't make an ounce of sense.  
>- Lily<p>

Um. Will you go out with me?  
>- James<p>

What? You're asking me like this? No way! I can't believe you're asking me through a handwritten note! That's so cowardly.  
>- Lily<p>

Cowardly? I thought it was romantic! How else can I confess anyway? It's not my fault! This note-passing crap is whole the damn framing device.  
>- James<p>

Haha. That's gotta burn.  
>- Sirius<p>

Get stuffed, Padfoot. Don't you have some OC to bang?  
>- James<p>

* * *

><p>Key: <strong>Harry<strong>Ron_Hermione_**Ginny**_Luna__**Neville**_DumbledoreFredGeorgeMalfoy_**Voldermortsmom**__Whatevercrap_Thisisntevenimportanticantbelieveyourereadingthis

**Ron! Hermione!**

_Yes, Harry?_

**There's a huge problem! **

_How huge?_

**Huger than Ron!**

Oi!

**Hey, guys! What's up?**

Go away, Ginny. No one likes you.

**Huh! You're one to talk, Ron. **

_Um, guys? Harry has a crisis over here._

Right, sorry. Go on, mate.

**So like I was saying –**

_Hello, everyone!_

**Luna!**

_Is this a bad time?_

**Yes! Harry's having a major problem!**

**Can you guys just shut up?**

_Of course, Harry. What's going on?_

**I'M SEEING WORDS EVERY TIME PEOPLE TALK!**

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you're all now thoroughly confused. Honestly, I can't keep up with stories that have a specific typography emphasis for each speaker. I lose track of what's going on right away. Thanks to Le Anon, who wanted this chapter.<strong>

**Points to whoever recognises where James' "confession" is quoted from.**

**Aside from those I already mentioned, other reviewers include siriuslymrsmalfoy, Guest, ineverhadapony, S058, THE-BANNED-AUTHOR, katzlol, anninas, srhittson, Socially Awkward Bunny, Future Starkid Member, chs1809, taiShafie,Dubhe Epsilon, Life is like a potato, Winged Time Wolf Ravenclaw, iwannabemrsfelton, Caeli Quaedem, wingswordsandmetaphors, theharrypotterworld, ThoseDreamsOfMine, B0nk3rs, potterlunar and cinnamonarabesque.**

**Just out of curiosity, how did you find out about this fic? Let me know :)**

**Next update in a couple of months!**

**~ Eight**


	21. Founders Fics

**I've never actually read many of these type of fics prior to writing this chapter. Have you guys? It's weird. I spend a lot of time on this site, too.**

**I mean, um. If I have any time left over after going from party to party. Heh.**

**I'm cool, I swear.**

**Fine, you got me. I'm not. Just – just read, please?**

* * *

><p><strong>Founders Fics<strong>

The dark sky rumbled ominously, as the rainfall started to build up.

"You brought this upon yourself, Salazar!" said Godric, raising his voice so that it could be heard over the sound of thunder

The two wizards were locked in fierce battle, and their offensive spells were ricocheting in every direction. The iridescent colours their wands were giving off would seem beautiful in just about any other circumstance.

"It's no use trying to reason with me!" Salazar roared. His eyes were fiery as he searched for a weakness at where he could strike. But it was futile; Godric Gryffindor and Salazar Slytherin were as equal in battle as they were in intellect.

"No," Salazar thought, as an idea hit the sadistic wizard. He was definitely the cleverer one.

"Look!" he cried, pointing. "The sorting hat's trying to commit suicide!"

"What?" said Godric, alarmed. He whipped behind, ready to admonish the anthropomorphic headgear. "Oh, no. We did not cast an illegal spell to bring you to life, then bash you into a torn-up rug just for you to kill yourself. Your sole purpose is to tell others of the great stories of us!"

He stopped, realisation just sinking in.

"Oh, fu–"

Salazar's face slowly contorted into a strangled smile. He locked gazes with his old friend.

"Goodbye, Godric. Avada Kedav–"

"WAIT!"

Godric and Salazar stopped staring at each other, and stared incredulously at the speaker instead.

"Helga?" they asked simultaneously.

The plump witch tutted as she walked towards them, "Why in the wide wizarding world are you two trying to kill each other? We are all friends, remember? All the things we went through together?"

The two wizards looked sheepish.

"I guess love makes you do stupid things," muttered Godric, lowering his gaze.

"Wait. Who's in love?" asked a confused Helga.

"You didn't know?" Salazar raised his eyebrows. "The whole reason Godric and I fell apart was because we were caught up in this crazy love triangle. We're both in love with Rowena, so –"

"ROWENA?" screeched Helga. "Why the hell is it always Rowena? Why won't you fall for me, damn it?"

"Well," began Godric uncertainly, as Salazar tried to stifle a laugh.

"You're not much of a looker, I'm afraid," grinned Salazar.

"Would you like to repeat yourself?" Helga provoked, her reply dangerously icy.

"Um. What we're trying to say is…" stuttered Godric, lost for words.

"YOU IDIOTS! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Sweet Hufflepuff," nodded Dumbledore absently. "She was the nicest of the founders, I'll bet. Hmm. I wonder how they all died."

* * *

><p>"Mother of Merlin!" griped Godric as he sprawled across the table. The Hogwarts founders were perusing stacks of parchments. "I can't believe people write stories about us!"<p>

"This one's awful," said Salazar, making a face as he lifted a sheet with two fingers. "Read it.

Godric's eyes widened as they flitted across the page. "Us in a relationship? What is _wrong_ with them? This isn't even us at all! We're just placeholders for this screwed up slashfic!"

"Eww," said Helga, surreptitiously moving her hand under the table. "Who the heck likes slash?"

"Yeah," Rowena said, smiling as their fingers intertwined.

"Harry!" Dumbledore called for his favourite pupil. Harry seemed not to have heard, as he carried on running, snow flying about his his wake. Strange how Harry was running towards the opposite direction of where the headmaster stood.

"Harry!" the senile old man called. Harry sprinted, running as fast as he could, lest his fears become a reality. He took a turn and paused for air, exhaling the wisps of steam that was his breath.

The school grounds looked beautiful this time of year. Everything looked so tranquil. It was as if the heavens had decided to wrap the earth up in a blanket of beauty. The castle was laden with snow, so white and pure that –

"Ah, Harry," said Dumbledore, appearing out of nowhere. "I have some important news to tell you.

"Oh, no."

"It seems…"

"Not this crap again."

"You are our last hope…" Dumbledore went on.

"Don't. _Please_ don't."

"We have discovered that you are…"

Harry shut his eyes and groaned, "Dead wizard god, please, no."

"The heir of Salazar Slytherin!"

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

* * *

><p><strong>But really, imagine if you could actually kill people, just like that. Sorry for so much dying this chapter. Again, I'm just teasing. I have nothing against slash, femslash, stroke, solidus, oblique, or whatever you call that slanted line. That was a joke. Heh.<strong>

**Caeli Quaedem, goldden eyes, Sara Wolfe, theharrypotterworld, littleme36, sinisterA, Cheliz, Narcissa-Weasly, ****Winged Time Wolf Ravenclaw****, ****Icestorm238****, srhittson, wingswordsandmetaphors, Twigon Halolover, panda1222, Rumer Hasit, potterlunar, ineverhadapony, Jily Forevermore, The Dead Fish, theunhappytwins, iAMhisHOLLYWOODdream and DarkShadowOwl are awesome. If you review now, you can be that awesome too!**

**This chapter was suggested by DrinkingAlcoholicRainbows, TeamGryffinclaw and bakkasama, so they are to blame for impregnating me with this … idea.**

**~ Eight**


	22. Crazy Crossovers

**This chapter was hard to write. References and allusions galore. Some are very obvious, but I hope a few are harder to guess.**

**I only write Harry Potter stuff here but I'm sure most of you, like myself, are fans of a number of other things. Sometimes writers like telling stories that utilise characters or elements from more than just one work. Sometimes they can be good. Other times you get what I've written below.**

* * *

><p><strong>Crazy Crossovers<strong>

"I believe it's time," said Professor Dumbledore to Professor McGonagall as he got up from his seat. "Ladies and gentlemen, let the annual Hunger Games begin!"

"Albus, for the last time, stop calling the opening feast the Hunger Games!"

Just as the students were about to tuck into their meal however, there was an explosion in the middle of the hall. Amidst the smoke and the coughs, voices were heard.

"My, this isn't where I intended to go at all. What's wrong with this thing?"

The mist cleared, and a man in a tweed jacket and a bow tie emerged from his peculiar mode of transportation.

"Is… is that a police box?" wondered Hermione aloud.

"Oh, this?" said the man, beaming. "It's actually a –"

"Hold it!" said McGonagall, standing and pointing her wand at the strange man. "Who are you?"

"Please, Minerva," said Dumbledore, gesturing to her seat. "Everything's quite alright. He's an old friend."

"Albus!" said the man, beaming at the headmaster. "Good to see you!"

"Likewise, my friend," smiled Dumbledore. "Please, help yourself to the feast."

"There aren't any pears, are –"

He was interrupted by the sudden appearance of two young men, who were grinning.

"Awesome! The Dreamatorium's working again!"

"What the hell is going on?" said Harry, staring at the strange scene ahead of him.

At that very moment, a bright light shone behind him. A portal opened, and out stepped the strangest sight – a purple horse.

"Oh Celestia! I think I used the wrong spell!"

Harry gaped. "Hermione, do you understand any of this?"

Hermione opened her mouth, but whatever she said next was drowned out by the screams of an oranged-horned, pale-skinned troll.

"私はあなたの歯の間に私の乳首を感じるようにしたい。"

"Gesundheit?" offered Ron.

"That's not even proper Japanese!" said an outraged Hermione.

The man took a seat next to Neville at Gryffindor table.

"Are you an alien?" he asked, wide-eyed.

"Well, I regenerated into this body, but I suppose in the strictest sense of the term –"

"Cool! I'm a reincarnation too!" said a bald adolescent child, who seemed to have blue arrows painted on his skin. He appeared out of nowhere and seemed to be flying around the hall with a glider.

"Hey!" shouted Filch, shaking a fist at the boy. "No hang-gliding in the dining hall!"

"Professor Dumbledore," Harry groaned, turning to face the white-haired man behind him. "This is insane."

"Who's Dumbledore? I am Gandalf, and you shall not pass!"

"Sir!"

"Jeez," said Dumbledore. "Just trying to make light of the situation."

"Wow…" said Hermione, turning red as she eyed the man in front of her.

He was impossibly fast, and strong. His skin was pale white and ice cold. His eyes changed colour. And sometimes he spoke like – like he was from a different time. He never ate or drank anything. He never went out in the sunlight. And somehow just by looking at him Hermione knew all of these details.

"I know what you are," she said, biting her lower lip.

"Oh, come on!" yelled Ron. "This guy is bad news, Hermione."

"No! I can reform him as we bond together in a school club! We're going to Regionals!"

A few steps away two men seemed to be duelling with glowing swords.

"Luke, I am your father!"

"That's not even the right line!"

Harry sighed, and closed his eyes. It was no use; he still heard the most absurd things.

"Beam me up, Scotty!"

"We've had a break-in at Baker Street!"

"It's gonna be legen–"

"Dattebayo!"

"Hmm…" muttered Dumbledore, as he looked at the school implode around him. "Maybe I shouldn't have tried that blue meth…"

* * *

><p><strong>A billion points to anyone who can list all the references. Should be rather difficult, even though I did search the web for "biggest fandoms" and chose things from the list. Suggested by Mskayyy, B0nk3rs and Biotite.<strong>

**Reviews from Okinawa Angel, Twigon Halolover, Beau2809, Oh I am Slain, Mister Jackkkk, To the TARDIS, lovebites123, Sara Wolfe, srhittson, ineverhadapony, Kaotsu, Victoria Wu, taiShafie, TheEagleFeatherQuill, Little Miss Thalia Grace, theharrypotterworld and HolleyS helped us get over 500 reviews. Thank you all so much.**

**From your comments, I get the impression that there are much weirder things out there. Truth is stranger than fiction, after all. Except that all of this is fiction. Well, my stuff's based on truth in fiction. I guess. Whatever the case, let me know of the weirdest crossfic you've read.**

**~ Eight**


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